And When I Die

AND WHEN I DIE by Blood Sweat and Tears

And when I die 
and when I'm dead, dead and gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

I'm not scared of dying 
and I don't really care
If it's peace you find in dying, 
well, then let the time be near

If it's peace you find in dying, 
when dying time is here, 
Just bundle up my coffin cause 
it's cold way down there, 

I hear that's it's cold way down there,
yeah, crazy cold way down there
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

My troubles are many, they're as deep as a well
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell
Swear there ain't no heaven and pray there ain't no hell, 
But I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell, 
Only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on

Give me my freedom for as long as I be
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me 
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me, 
And all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally
Don't want to go by the devil, don't want to go by the demon, 
Don't want to go by Satan, don't want to die uneasy,
Just let me go naturally
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born

Songwriters: Laura Nyro

And When I Die lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

https://youtu.be/8gxwutvlTw8

A fatalistic approach perhaps by one who apparently neither knows God nor believes that heaven exists. Not fearful or angry but very matter of fact with a trace of bravado. It helps remind me that I am not the centre of the universe. Life for my family and a few close friends is great while I am here but life for them all will go on just as blessed or, even more blessed I pray, when I am not. 

Mum said to us about two weeks before she passed away that she did not want us to wear black, white, grey or other dull sad colours at her funeral. She especially wanted the grand-children to be in regular colours. We heeded her requests and succeeded in offending the older relatives who thought we were so disrespectful as Asian custom dictated that immediate family must be in black or white only. By the day of her funeral they had accepted that those were mum’s wishes and most of the relatives were cautiously co-operative. The grand-children were like colourful flowers around her casket and I think she would have been glad of that.

Like Mum I too want people to be in colourful clothes. I want them to celebrate what God did in my life and to give me a rousing send off to a better place. There will be tears but there must be no regret. If any think they have wronged me, please know that I have chosen to freely forgive. If I have wronged any or if any think I have wronged them I humbly ask forgiveness. Life is too short to hold grudges or to pridefully maintain one’s position. I am sure I have stepped on toes without even realising it and for those squashed toes I am truly sorry.

When my Uncle Cheng passed away, his son Winston made a video. I cried as I watched it because it reminded us of the beauty in Uncle’s everyday actions. Particularly poignant was the last scene of Uncle riding off, around the corner and out of sight. How many times I had watched him ride out of sight as I had watched my own father ride out of sight on his motorcycle and how painful to think I would see neither again while on earth.

I learnt when Mum returned to the Father that the first year is the most difficult. Every day was the first day without Mum. That first Christmas without her smile, her delight in watching her grand-children open presents, was soooooo hard. The first of her birthdays to pass without her in January and the first of my birthdays without her hug made me feel that I would not get over the grief. But that’s not what Mum would have wanted. No, mum was practical and, under her retiring nature, cheerful ( even if sometimes she was pre-occupied with little things). Her faith was quiet but strong.

A little story to show how we know that heaven is real. 

At the time of her illness our fifth child, David, had been suffering from severe eczema for over 20 months.  Every morning his bedclothes would be bloody as he scratched at night despite the bandages we wrapped around his arms and legs. It pained Mum greatly to watch him suffer and daily she would call to ask how he was. She offered masses for his healing and made novenas. We had to cook special meals for David because an allergy test showed that he was allergic to so many things, rice, milk, eggs, fish, prawns, shellfish, beef, pork even chicken. We cooked lamb and pasta for him and jelly for treats as he could not have ice cream.

Three nights before she passed away she asked for a 20 cent coin. Puzzled, I gave it to her. Then she asked for David to come to see her as she lay on the bed. I called 3 year old David in to Mum’s bedside. She was weak but still reached out and pressed the coin into his hand. She said, “ David, Nanny’s giving you 20 cents. You promise me that you will be a good boy and not scratch?” David promised and scampered away in delight, clutching the coin. I tried to dismiss the tears in my eyes by saying flippantly, “ Mum , when you get up into heaven, please put a word in for David with our Father.” With her eyes shut in weariness she whispered, “I will”.

Mum passed away early in the morning on 8th September 1994. In the chaos of arrangements for the wake and funeral I panicked because there was no time to cook David’s special meal. My husband, Richard, said that we’ll just let him eat with the others that day and put more cream on him.

You know something? I NEVER had to cook a special meal for David ever again. That day he ate what the others ate. That very day the sores on his arm, legs even forehead dried and scabbed. At her funeral, three days later, all the open sores had healed. The bedclothes were never bloody again and David fully recovered. The whole family was assured that Mum was in heaven and yes, she’d kept her promise and put in a word for David into the ear of the Father.

About two years later Colin and Geraldine were gifted with little Nicole. One child born to carry on Mum’s love for the written word.