Beginnings

This weekend we are in Jakarta. Richard presided over the Holy Matrimony of Jushan Djuwardi and Friyana Wati Ong.

As usual my eyes glistened as I heard them say their vows in Indonesian for heir families to understand and in English for Richard to understand 😉. Weddings are filled with hope and dreams- a new life together with someone else. The songs they chose were beautiful proclaiming their belief that there us nothing impossible for God as the Spirit of God works in our midst. They ended the service thanking God for His grace without which we would not live- simple, beautiful and touching.

Those songs spoke differently to me. I am not standing poised at the beginning of a new covenant, a new family.

I'm poised at the beginning of a journey into a slightly more scary unknown where my dream is not to waste my cancer as Ps John Piper advises.

I face a hardened, relentless enemy who wages guerrilla warfare, turning my own cells against me. I'm essentially fighting myself. Some part of me has to die for the rest of me to live. ( heh - that'll make a great sermon☺️)

I am fearfully and wonderfully made says the bible.  And so I am. I am amazed at how fast the body recovered from surgery. The surgeons removed the lymph nodes on the right side. Their job was to help drain fluid and since their removal it seems that the remaining nodes have not yet stepped up to the plate and divided the extra workload. It's rather like a corporation where four key staff are retrenched. HR does not  hire replacements so their colleagues have to buckle down and work harder to clear the backlog. Same with the seroma ( post- surgery fluid accumulation)

Discernment and wisdom are desperately needed here. Which route do I take on this new leg of my journey? Chemo, radiation and hormone blockers OR Garden of Eden living?

More after we discuss radiotherapy tomorrow

God is in Control!!!

I''M STRICTLY A FEMALE FEMALE

I just love this song. From the time I heard it as a child I've loved it. I've sung it countless times especially the chorus

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who enjoys being a guy having a girl like me**


I'm unashamedly a woman. Wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't intend offending anyone with that statement so please don't be offended if you are part of the LGBTQ community.

I have decided not to have a reconstruction. I am 60 years old and am super confident about my womanhood. I'm strictly a female female and nothing's going to change that!

I am so touched by my husband's reaction when I asked his opinion about whether I should have the reconstruction done. He said he'd leave it to me to decide and that for him it was important that I be well. He added that he just looks into my eyes. That was the sweetest lie ever haha. I love him more each day.

Breasts or no breasts I can still look FAB ( just gotta work on getting rid of the L in FLAB ) and that's exactly what I plan to do.



** the song was initially sung by Nancy Kwan in the movie " The Flower Drum Song"

Think about death

yes, as soon as we wake up we should think about death. Not other people's death. Not about the actual dying. I'm not morbid!! I'm just being practical. After all as soon as a baby is born he/she immediately starts a personal journey towards death.

Most Christians I know do give death a fleeting thought as soon as they wake. " o thank You Lord for another day" they may pray. I do too and there's nothing wrong with that. What I mean is we should pause EVEN BEFORE WE START and think seriously " and if today is my last day what then?" Would that " teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom?" Would that help us to empty our hearts of all the petty little pebbles of pride, impatience, judgements etc?

I'll let you know how this works for me in a month or so. I'm deliberately thinking of death every morning. Thus far it's been with regret over all the things I could've, should've done but didn't. Doesn't really matter what reason, what excuse I have lined up. Fact is I didn't.

I'm also sorry to say I've been thinking of what loss to all my family and friends it would be were I to take that step across the Jordan into the Promised Land. Haha... Seems the first thing I need to change is the thought that I'm the centre of the universe.😝

Moses asks God to " teach us to number our days so we may gain a heart of wisdom" ? I've started numbering my days. Then I asked God for a heart of wisdom. This is where He led me to today

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-if-you-had-one-week-to-live

Jon Bloom's article opened my eyes. Especially this part

The Heart of Wisdom

What exactly is wisdom? God tells us through Job: “the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom” (Job 28:28). 

And what exactly is the fear of the Lord? God tells us through Solomon: “The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil” (Proverbs 8:13). 

And what is evil? God tells us through the author of Hebrews: “an unbelieving heart” (Hebrews 3:12). At root, all moral evil is unbelief in God and any action that results from it, for “whatever does not proceed from faith is sin” (Romans 14:23).

So then, a heart of wisdom fears the Lord to such a degree that it refuses to exchange the truth about God for a lie (Romans 1:25). A heart of wisdom trusts God’s promises and his wise governance over all of life, and does not trust its limited, fickle perceptions, nor shiny, empty worldly deceptions. 

A heart of wisdom fears losing the joy-producing treasure of God himself so much, it sees unbelief as a thief who only steals, kills, and destroys life.

Looks like a lot of soul-searching is coming up. 

If I should ever walk in the Valley of Darkness

every girl in CHIJ Victoria Street in the 1970s will remember this hymn. Based on Ps 23 we sang it at Assembly at least once a week. It was just a song to me until Dr Benita Tan told me after surgery on 28 June 2017 that as they did the mastectomy on my right breast the preliminary tests on the lymph nodes indicated that they too were cancerous and 22 lymph nodes were removed in the same surgery.. I was told of this possibility and accepted it in my head as being just that - a possibility.

Well, head knowledge of the possibility of a spread and having the realisation that 22 nodes were removed because 3 were infected are two entirely different things. Dr Benita was calm and matter-of-fact and that helped. But as soon as she left my bed I felt tears start in my eyes. Richard was there with me, holding my hand. He saw the flash of fear. He squeezed my hand and said quietly," Remember? God is in control."

The Holy Spirit brought to mind this song and at once my heart was at rest. This was the chorus

If I should ever walk in the valley of darkness
No evil would I fear, You are there to show the way
If I should ever walk in the valley of darkness
Your crook and Your staff, they will lead me to the Day

I wanted to be honest and open with the family about my fears and how God helps me through. All 5 boys came to visit. (Maria Rocky n Gwen were in Paris as Maria had to present at a conference. She suggested twice that she cancel the trip but I saw no reason to allow cancer to disrupt our lives so told her to please go ahead which she did reluctantly)


 I was puking / retching through the half hour they were there but it so helped me to hear them joke and laugh and I managed to laugh too. Almost as soon as they left I fell asleep with Nat still by my bedside. When the nurse woke me at 2am all nausea and lightheadedness had totally left. Absolutely no pain

At 2am I sent a message to the family telling them that there was no more nausea and no pain and added this

When i heard the cancer had gotten into the lymph nodes I was a little bit scared at first but papa reminded me that God is in control. And so He is. He directed early detection of this. So am at peace again .


And I was. No evil would I fear

Still I Rise

nat sent me this beautiful poem. Maya and I face different enemies. But with the same singleminded approach. And if any one is offended cos I refuse to worry and choose instead to look good, laugh and dance... Weeeell... Tough. The JOY of the Lord is my strength and my God is in control- sovereign and almighty!! Praise His Holy Name!

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter twisted lies.
You may trod me down in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and just like suns
With the certainty of tides
Just like hopes springing high
Still I'll rise

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words
You may cut me with your eyes
You may kill me with your hatefulness
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame. I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain  I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave
I am the dream and the hope of the slave  I rise  I rise  I rise