I get better looking each day - so there!!!!

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better loking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.
Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble - Mac Davis

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a cowboy outlaw tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I guess it has something to do with the way that I
fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.
We're doing the best that we can

https://youtu.be/UHEfSzUbh3s

I tweaked the words to “ I must be a hell of a gal” and felt that this song was tailor-made for me. Sang it to myself every time I had put my foot in my mouth or done something else silly. But it took on a different role after my diagnosis of cancer.

As a Christian I’ve heard numerous sermons and read innumerable articles encouraging Christians to find their identity in Christ. I agree with that but this song, totally egotistical, described EXACTLY what I needed after the mastectomy and during chemotherapy when I lost hair by the handful, felt lethargic, fought nausea and valiantly applied cream on skin that looked drier by the day.

I was defiant and singing this gave me a good laugh when I needed it, especially 

“ I can't wait to look in the mirror cause I get better looking each day”

And When I Die

AND WHEN I DIE by Blood Sweat and Tears

And when I die 
and when I'm dead, dead and gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

I'm not scared of dying 
and I don't really care
If it's peace you find in dying, 
well, then let the time be near

If it's peace you find in dying, 
when dying time is here, 
Just bundle up my coffin cause 
it's cold way down there, 

I hear that's it's cold way down there,
yeah, crazy cold way down there
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

My troubles are many, they're as deep as a well
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell
Swear there ain't no heaven and pray there ain't no hell, 
But I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell, 
Only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on

Give me my freedom for as long as I be
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me 
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me, 
And all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally
Don't want to go by the devil, don't want to go by the demon, 
Don't want to go by Satan, don't want to die uneasy,
Just let me go naturally
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born

Songwriters: Laura Nyro

And When I Die lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

https://youtu.be/8gxwutvlTw8

A fatalistic approach perhaps by one who apparently neither knows God nor believes that heaven exists. Not fearful or angry but very matter of fact with a trace of bravado. It helps remind me that I am not the centre of the universe. Life for my family and a few close friends is great while I am here but life for them all will go on just as blessed or, even more blessed I pray, when I am not. 

Mum said to us about two weeks before she passed away that she did not want us to wear black, white, grey or other dull sad colours at her funeral. She especially wanted the grand-children to be in regular colours. We heeded her requests and succeeded in offending the older relatives who thought we were so disrespectful as Asian custom dictated that immediate family must be in black or white only. By the day of her funeral they had accepted that those were mum’s wishes and most of the relatives were cautiously co-operative. The grand-children were like colourful flowers around her casket and I think she would have been glad of that.

Like Mum I too want people to be in colourful clothes. I want them to celebrate what God did in my life and to give me a rousing send off to a better place. There will be tears but there must be no regret. If any think they have wronged me, please know that I have chosen to freely forgive. If I have wronged any or if any think I have wronged them I humbly ask forgiveness. Life is too short to hold grudges or to pridefully maintain one’s position. I am sure I have stepped on toes without even realising it and for those squashed toes I am truly sorry.

When my Uncle Cheng passed away, his son Winston made a video. I cried as I watched it because it reminded us of the beauty in Uncle’s everyday actions. Particularly poignant was the last scene of Uncle riding off, around the corner and out of sight. How many times I had watched him ride out of sight as I had watched my own father ride out of sight on his motorcycle and how painful to think I would see neither again while on earth.

I learnt when Mum returned to the Father that the first year is the most difficult. Every day was the first day without Mum. That first Christmas without her smile, her delight in watching her grand-children open presents, was soooooo hard. The first of her birthdays to pass without her in January and the first of my birthdays without her hug made me feel that I would not get over the grief. But that’s not what Mum would have wanted. No, mum was practical and, under her retiring nature, cheerful ( even if sometimes she was pre-occupied with little things). Her faith was quiet but strong.

A little story to show how we know that heaven is real. 

At the time of her illness our fifth child, David, had been suffering from severe eczema for over 20 months.  Every morning his bedclothes would be bloody as he scratched at night despite the bandages we wrapped around his arms and legs. It pained Mum greatly to watch him suffer and daily she would call to ask how he was. She offered masses for his healing and made novenas. We had to cook special meals for David because an allergy test showed that he was allergic to so many things, rice, milk, eggs, fish, prawns, shellfish, beef, pork even chicken. We cooked lamb and pasta for him and jelly for treats as he could not have ice cream.

Three nights before she passed away she asked for a 20 cent coin. Puzzled, I gave it to her. Then she asked for David to come to see her as she lay on the bed. I called 3 year old David in to Mum’s bedside. She was weak but still reached out and pressed the coin into his hand. She said, “ David, Nanny’s giving you 20 cents. You promise me that you will be a good boy and not scratch?” David promised and scampered away in delight, clutching the coin. I tried to dismiss the tears in my eyes by saying flippantly, “ Mum , when you get up into heaven, please put a word in for David with our Father.” With her eyes shut in weariness she whispered, “I will”.

Mum passed away early in the morning on 8th September 1994. In the chaos of arrangements for the wake and funeral I panicked because there was no time to cook David’s special meal. My husband, Richard, said that we’ll just let him eat with the others that day and put more cream on him.

You know something? I NEVER had to cook a special meal for David ever again. That day he ate what the others ate. That very day the sores on his arm, legs even forehead dried and scabbed. At her funeral, three days later, all the open sores had healed. The bedclothes were never bloody again and David fully recovered. The whole family was assured that Mum was in heaven and yes, she’d kept her promise and put in a word for David into the ear of the Father.

About two years later Colin and Geraldine were gifted with little Nicole. One child born to carry on Mum’s love for the written word. 

Time in a Bottle

Time in a Bottle

Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

Songwriters: Jim Croce

Time in a Bottle lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management

https://youtu.be/AnWWj6xOleY

Yesterday I wrote about my initial reaction to the part of the movie “In Time” which envisaged a world where time is a commodity. The rich could hoard time and basically live forever while the poor had no hope of living beyond their allotted time. Everyone had a digital clock on their arms so they knew exactly when they would die.

That is a bit depressing but I was blessed that God changed my perspective. In the afternoon my grand daughter and I were lying in bed and reading before her nap. We giggled and made silly observations ( it was The Sleep Book by Dr Seuss) and she finally fell asleep. I lay listening to her little baby snores and looked at her peaceful, fear-free face. If I could save time in a bottle I would certainly save that time.

I give thanks for that privilege. We don’t deserve it but He blessed us with a grand child. Not to be discontented but I’m asking for more grand children... lots more. Then our (Richard’s and mine) box just for wishes would be empty.

Number our days

In Time 

Waiting at SGH yesterday for my turn at the Department of Nuclear Medicine, I watched idly the tv that was screening a movie entitled “In Time”. What caught my eye was the fact that everyone had a digital clock embedded on their left forearms. When the “ clock” ran out the person died. 

What would we do if we all knew exactly how many weeks, days, hours, seconds we had left? In the movie,  time was a commodity that could be bought, sold, given, lent, borrowed and, of course, stolen. But what if we knew exactly when our time would run out? Would we

1 spend our time frantically trying to get more time just to stay alive?;

2 just exist in hopelessness merely waiting for the clock to run out and then what? Oblivion?

3 try to improve the quality of our own life without considering others? As in “live like there’s no tomorrow?

4 try to make a difference for the better in the lives of others?

I am constantly aware of the possibility of metastasis of the breast cancer. And I am grateful that my doctors choose to err on the side of caution. I had a head-to-toe bone scan today and the 6 minutes I spent watching “In Time” at the waiting room was a timely reminder that my daily prayer should be

“ Teach us to number our days so we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

Everywhere

Here, There And Everywhere

The Beatles

To lead a better life
I need my love to be here

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there
There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking, but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere
And if she's beside me I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere
And if she's beside me I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there

I will be there
And everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

Here, There And Everywhere lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

https://youtu.be/0Whz1jIEBI0

What a lovely, haunting melody that I did not at first associate with the “noisy” Beatles. The lyrics are eternal, universal. On revisiting this song a few days ago I was struck by how this describes one’s love for God. By God I mean God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Because to love Him is to need Him everywhere. Because to love Him is to realise that truly He has set eternity in the heart of Man and that only He can still the restlessness in our hearts that we so often do not understand.

This is not about needing God as my Provider or even my Protector even though He is both and more. Through 2017 and 2018, everything that I had experienced, good and not good, up to that point, crystallised in the realisation that I needed God before I could even begin to be whom I was meant to be.

Does this sound high-faluting? Needing God everywhere was not wanting a genie to provide whatever I needed, to keep me safe from perils or even to heal me. Needing God everywhere was a realisation that I was incomplete without God. Oh yes, I had accepted that intellectually but my Epiphany moment was when my hair abandoned me. I said in an earlier post that it was when I saw my hair coming away in handfuls that I cried because I realised that I had no control over what was happening to me as a result of the chemotherapy. God showed me that it didn’t matter that I had had a mastectomy or that my hair was jumping ship. He gave me the grace to understand that in Him I was complete... no need for a head full of hair or any other part of my anatomy. I looked in the mirror thinking I would cringe at the sight of my bald head. Instead I saw my eyes. I saw life. I saw laughter in the wings waiting for its cue. I gave the cue and laughter sprang in making short work of vanity and self-pity. I watched my eyes and knew that God was and would always be there.

This song begins “To lead a better life I need my love to be here”. Well He is😉

Wonderful, wonderful world

What a Wonderful World

Louis Daniel Armstrong

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world

Songwriters: George Douglas / George David Weiss / Bob Thiele

What a Wonderful World lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Carlin America Inc

https://youtu.be/A3yCcXgbKrE

Yes it is. It IS a wonderful world. Last Saturday it was two years since the wedding of Joseph and Yuqin. What a lot has happened in 24 months.

The things that are easy to be thankful for :

1. Joseph’s and Yuqin’s wedding

2. Elliot’s and Hui’s wedding in March this year

3. Andrew’s and Christine’s wedding in July this year.

4. Ian introducing Qian En to the family

5. David introducing Samantha to the family 

6. Rocky and Maria being so blessed in their respective careers

7.  A wonderful family holiday in Melbourne in June this year visiting Colin, Geraldine, Sean and Nicole and meeting Monique and Sean O

8. Bonus meeting Steve and Michelle, Grant and Lisa and baby Ava in Melbourne at the same time.

9. The newlyweds all having their own homes.

10. Our finally moving in to our own BTO flat. I love the location, the layout and the Presence of God who is our Provider.

11. Gwyneth settling into school routine and getting used to being flower girl for her uncles.

12. Full recovery of the two crushed bones in my left hand.

The things that were a little harder to be thankful for:

1. My Aunty Carmen returning to the Father in heaven on 3 Aprilg 2017. Perth will not be the same without her cheerful laughter and her positive attitude towards life even at the times she said she felt 108 years old..

I am thankful for her children, my cousins, in whom I see so much of Aunty Carmen. I am thankful that we had a chance to see her in November 2016. I am thankful for the chance to celebrate her life with my cousins, Colin and Richard even though we could not attend her memorial service.

I am thankful for her legacy and the many things I learnt from her just by observing the way she lived her life and her perspective of difficulties and health challenges. I am thankful for the example she set for me in the way she was ready to try the sunchlorella back in June 1994. That inspired me to not be afraid to try something “ unknown” in the quest for recovery and full health.  I am thankful for her example of dogged persistence in doing simple exercises repeatedly till she overcame the vertigo that wrecked her holiday in Singapore years ago. She accepted there were no quick fixes and she prevailed. That example of patience and persistence helped me in 2017-2018 while I recovered from the crushed bones in my palm and then right through the mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation.

I am thankful for her love and attention through remembering birthdays and always being ready with little gifts. I couldn’t understand how she managed to remember all birthdays correctly especially as we only saw her about once a year

2. Our good friend and brother-in-Christ, Roy Tirtadji returning to the Lord on 4 March 2018:

 He, his wife and his mother-in-law were instrumental in bringing Richard and me back to the Lord albeit via the scenic route through a Pentecostal church where the Lord restored us and led us closer to Him.

I am thankful that Roy didn’t give up on us and kept inviting us to attend his church services and cell group meetings even arranging for someone to translate for us as we didn’t understand a word of Bahasa Indonesia.

I am thankful for the example he set as he faced cancer. Through numerous surgeries, procedures, medical protocols, countless hospital stays and inimitable consultations with specialists he remained thankful to God. His favourite song was “I am here” * especially the chorus which runs “ It’s only by Your grace that I can live today; forever I will praise Your Name”. Because I was going through chemotherapy I did not get to see him toward the end but his words stay in my heart, “ I give thanks, Gerie, no matter what.” *( I am Here by Welyar Kauntu)

3. Cancer - NO I am NOT thankful for cancer. I AM THANKFUL that my God who allowed the cancer also  promised that (1) all things work together for the good of those who love Him and (2) by His stripes we are healed.

(a)  I am thankful for my husband Richard for his love and constant care, our offspring and their spouses/ girlfriends and my brother Colin for their love and encouragement and grand daughter Gwyneth whose confident prediction that my hair would be back by her birthday was fulfilled. 

(b) I am thankful for Geraldine, Sean and Nicole, dear cousins and school friends who rallied around with prayers, good wishes and encouragement. Special mention to Natasha, Marie-Ann Mathot, Sheila Forde, William Forde for the way he faced his cancer yet sent prayers, Mimi Yeow for taking the time and trouble to meet for tea and share her view of chemotherapy, Kenny Nathan and Elizabeth Siew and Elsie Poon for their constant and regular checks on my progress and their encouragement, Chandra and Ida Wong, Bu Ping and Bu Hetty, Silvia Hwang for their unfailing prayers and attention. 

(c) I am thankful that God gave my daughter and sons spouses whose parents prayed for my recovery. Not only did I see the answers to those prayers but I received comfort and encouragement to know that my children have parents-in-law who are prayerful and caring.

(d) I am thankful for so many former schoolmates, church friends and friends of our offspring who sent prayers and well wishes along my journey.

(e) I am thankful for the staff at the National Cancer Centre , Singapore. Every single staff, no matter their job description, were cheerful and friendly, professional and beyond competent. They made the surgery, chemotherapy sessions, radiation sessions and every appointment easy to bear.

(f) I am thankful for lessons learnt enroute to recovery. I have learnt to appreciate 

      i.  my tastebuds which went on vacation when I went through chemotherapy;

      ii. energy. I did not realise how hard it was to have to concentrate on doing regular daily tasks which, prior to chemotherapy, I had done without thinking;

      iii. raw salads. I was totally forbidden from eating anything raw for fear of infection. How I savour every salad I now eat.

      iv. the ability to swallow even gulp water down instead of sipping gingerly for fear of throwing up.

       v. a full night’s sleep. After every chemo session I had “ owl eyes”. I learnt not to be frustrated at not being able to fall asleep immediately. I appreciated the blessing all the years of generally having deep sleep every night. I learnt to be still, to pray and praise and worship and literally just shut up and listen for and to the voice of God. I learnt to use that time to read and to write. And surprisingly I was not sleepy the following day.

       vii. feeling sleepy haha. It is such a delicious feeling to be tired and have the blessing of being able to go to bed in your own home and s l e e p!!! 

      vi. going swimming- another favourite activity that was forbidden. 

The point of this rambling is that I have re-learnt to appreciate the “bright blessed day, the dark sacred night” and every day, every moment now, “I think to myself, what a wonderful world”

Slippery Slopes

Proverbs 18:17 New King James Version (NKJV)

17 The first one to plead his cause seems right,
Until his neighbor comes and examines him.

Does the fact that I’m happy and grateful for what I have imply that I am too comfortable and therefore socially indifferent to those who are materially disadvantaged? Or those who face ( or imagine they face) prejudice or declare that they are deprived of basic human rights? Do others see slippery slopes in society to which I turn a blind eye? Has the Lord healed me completely of cancer because he wants me to stand up and be counted?

I watched with disbelief and sadness the testimonies of Dr (Prof) Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanagh and what the Senators and reporters and people on TV and social media said. I listened to people refer to Dr Ford as a survivor and passionately defend her right not just to be heard but to be believed. In a country which aspires to justice for all, I believe that everyone has a right to be heard. But do they have the right to be believed when they cannot specify ( much less prove) when the event took place, where it took place and when the people they name as eye witnesses all either do not remember the incident or say outright that they were not at the party at which the incident is alleged to have occurred ? I do not understand how a person can be described as a survivor of an incident when the incident is not proved and when there are so many crucial facts that are not proved even on a balance of probabilities. In this case the facts are not even specified. Yet many many people sound as if or actually say outright that Judge Kavanagh is not to be believed.

I find some people very very gracious and kind and bending over backwards to say that they believe Dr Ford had experienced a sexual assault but not with Judge Brett Kavanagh. 

I might have gone along with that if not for the fact that she, through her lawyers , wanted Judge Kavanagh to testify first. I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. How was the Judge to answer allegations that are not made? How was he to offer defence as to date, time and place if these were not specified?  What possible reason could Dr Ford have to demand that the person she accused should testify first unless she wanted to mould her accusations to destroy whatever Judge Kavanagh might have said in his defence. For me that was the first factor which convinced me she was lying. 

The second factor was that we are told she wanted to remain anonymous.  Any person who accuses another of a serious offence and expects to be believed when she does not have the courage or decency to be questioned should be subject to the strongest of cross-examination. There are many other discrepancies which are so obvious that the only possible reason that people do not see them is because they do not want to see them or they do see them but deliberately ignore, downplay or twist them to suit the “ victim/survivor” story. 

I do not know if Judge Kavanagh is telling the truth. He appears credible but Ps 18:17 applies to him too. I do think however that he should not even have been obliged to say a single word in his defence until and unless the accuser proved her case at least on a balance of probabilities. I do not think she would have been able to do that. There was so much sympathy for an alleged “survivor” who would have crumbled under cross examination.

I am sad for America. There is freedom of speech but I observed people freely speaking ill of a person just on the say-so of another person whose memory, witnesses, and circumstances would have not withstood scrutiny. I am concerned that this is the road that Singapore may take in the mistaken demand for more freedom without the corresponding more responsibility element.

We must never ape the West so much that we disregard respect and due process. Never take the first step down a slippery slope.

Let It Be -Beatles

My Aunty Carmen

My Aunty Carmen passed away early April 2017. She was my father's elder sister and my mother's dear friend. She was "Nan" who opened her heart to our children as if they were her grandchildren ( she had 16 of her own AND 14 great grand children). After my mum passed away she took mum’s place in my life even though I saw her only once or twice a year.

We honoured her life on a beautiful sunny cloudless Sunday, facing the ocean she loved. We gathered there, her 5 children and their spouses, some grandchildren, 2 great grandchildren and us- nephew, niece n nephew-in-law. We spoke of her and swapped memories but it's not possible, in four or five hours, to speak of a life that was lived to the fullest for 93 years.

Aunty Carmen was an amazing woman who defeated cancer more than once. Fiercely independent, she lived on her own after Uncle Sandy passed away in the 1990s, until she went into hospital 2 weeks ago. How she loved her family yet wisely, lovingly, gave them their space, not imposing upon them yet always ready to agree to their plans and invitations.

I loved hearing her laugh- genuine and always full of delight. I loved her childlike (NOT 'childish') appreciation of and thankfulness for the tiniest blessing . Abseiling in her 70s and hot-air ballooning in her 80s, she travelled again from Perth WA to Singapore in her 90s surprising her daughters with her unstoppable energy. That's just who she was - always positive, always forward-looking.

I think the devil tried one last time to break her spirit, giving her so much pain suddenly in the last 2 weeks. All it did instead was to give her the chance to show once more her strength and fortitude. She didn't fear death. She made her decisions about what to come and conveyed this to all her children. Painful? It must have been painful for her children but I believe she did that with wisdom and definitely out her love for them, seeking to free them from uncertainty and giving them space to unite to grieve, yes when the time came, and then to celebrate her life, her love and her legacy.

I couldn't understand at first why it was hard to write a " goodbye" post for Aunty Carmen on Facebook. Now I know- it's because it wasn’t "goodbye". ... . she lives on in our hearts and lives.

I asked her once how she kept her cheerfulness and equanimity. She said, " If I can't do anything about it, I just don't let it bother me, see?" She just “Let It Be” and, I imagine, held to her God-given peace.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yes Aunty Carmen, I see. And yes, I'll do that too. 

Say to the mountain Part 2

Continued from Say to the mountain part 1

This is what Holy Spirit taught me to do:

1. Pray for grace to keep my eyes on Jesus so the wind and waves won’t overwhelm me. We need God to help us keep our faith.

2. Declare God’s promises out loud daily as Romans 10:17 says that “faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God”. Verbal repetition of the Word of God reinforces His promises in and over our lives.

3. Praise and worship. In every aspect of daily life, I’d sing- out loud, under my breath or in my heart. Anything that gave glory to God from Haleluyah  (12 times ) to Leave it in the Hands of the Lord and everything in between.

4. Make conscious and constant efforts to surrender healing to God- how, to what degree and in what manner and when healing was to happen to me. This was hard- I had lots of suggestions to make to God on all those points🤣🤣

Being in a Pentecostal church for nearly 17 years I have learnt to praise and worship to a whole new level and it is second nature now to me. 

5. Finally pray in tongues. Romans 8:26 says in essence that the Holy Spirit helps us to pray when we don’t know what to pray. Book of Jude 1:20says we are to build ourselves up in our faith (by) praying in the Holy Ghost

Personally I found strength, joy, strengthened faith and peace when praying in tongues. When I learnt about the diagnosis I thought I would be walking in the valley of the shadow of death. I learnt that “death” was not the enemy. “Intimidation” was the main enemy. Intimidation tried to force me to worry and worry is unbelief, the opposite of faith. Many times i found myself like the father of the demon possessed boy saying “I DO believe. Help my unbelief”(Mark 9:23-24) 

Do I believe God is able to heal me? Yes. 

Does the devil try to shake that?  All the time.   

Can I beat the devil?  Absolutely! I declare that I put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:11) against the devil’s weapon which is “wiles” or deceit/tricks. I had to constantly remind myself of the truth in His Word. 

Say to the mountain part 1

Say to the mountain Part 1

A dear friend also facing down cancer wondered how people without God got through journeys like ours.

I just thought to share this about one aspect of my approach to prayer in specific matters while i faced cancer and the whole course of treatment 

Matt 21:21 is often quoted

“Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.”

And so I did, as soon as the diagnosis was given,  “ say to the mountain called cancer to be gone. “ But then Holy Spirit gave me a different perspective. Another way to “move the mountain” is to break it down and this is also biblical. 

I was reminded that Jesus used different ways when He healed people. For example with one blind man he spat on ground, made mud with the spittle and placed the mud on the man’s eyes then told him to go wash in the pool of Siloam. (John 9:6) With another, Bartimeous of Jerico, He simply spoke and healing occurred. ( Mark 10:46-52) I realised that my healing might be by way of breaking down the mountain. 

Isaiah 41:15-16 says

“See, I will make you into a threshing sledge, new and sharp, with many teeth.

You will thresh the mountains and crush them,

 and reduce the hills to chaff.

16 You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,

 and a gale will blow them away.

But you will rejoice in the Lord and glory in the Holy One of Israel.”

God makes us a threshing sledge. In those days a threshing sledge was a contraption that had rocks fixed to its underside. The people hauled the sledges over the fields at harvest time n the sledge crushed the grain, allowing the chaff to be separated from the grain. Then the chaff would be blown away. 

I understood that when ( not if) God makes me into a new “threshing sledge” He would enable me to crush the “mountain”.  His promise is that I WOULD crush the mountain. No ifs or maybes. There would have to be effort and persistence and unwavering faith in His Word on my part. 

Continued in the next post

I can see clearly now the rain is gone Part 2

Continued from part 1

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Songwriters: Johnny Nash

I Can See Clearly Now lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

https://youtu.be/FscIgtDJFXg

“Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind”. Doubt, fear and worry, stirred by intimidation into dark billowing clouds, blind us to the light of God’s power and mercy and steadfast love for us. I learnt that I needed to just stop and wait quietly. The dust settles, the haze dissipates before the breath of the Spirit, the rain stops. Then first you see the rainbow. Hope revives and when the rain stops, as it surely will, you know it’s gonna be a bright , bright sunshiny day.

For all who face the unknown I pray peace until the clouds go. 

I can see clearly now the rain has gone Part 1

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies.........

Songwriters: Johnny Nash

https://youtu.be/FscIgtDJFXg

Just after the diagnosis, when only my husband, children and brother knew, I went through an “Even If” period (yes it was a period, it wasn’t just a moment). I confess it wasn’t a brave declaration. It was more a trembling whimper... even if it is not part of Your plan to heal me please don’t let me embarrass You!! Am I brave? Nope! I’m as much of a wimp as the next person. Did I worry about pain, disfigurement, nausea and losing my hair ? Oh yes... especially the losing the hair bit. I needed His grace to take several deep breaths. Then I could see clearly. I’ve shared with many people that the devil works in the noise and confusion of doubts and fears but if we would only slow down, even stop and wait for the wind and dust and noise to stop swirling around us we would hear His voice. Really.

What obstacles did I have to face? The cancer ? Oh ya, major obstacle that. Side effects? Yes but the greatest obstacle to peace of mind and solid faith was fear of the unknown. It was a new path that I had to walk myself. Family and friends cheered me on from the starting point but I, like Bilbo Baggins, had to walk by myself there and back again. It amused me to think of myself facing down trolls, spiders (eeee), orcs, wargs even Smaug but there were times when God sent eagles to lift me away from the danger of losing hope. Prayers and steadfast loving support from family and a few faithful friends who walked with me and stayed within hailing distance ( read : daily WhatsApp encouragement) were my eagles. 

Continued in next post

Cancer Conqueror not just survivor

Mark 9:23-24New King James Version (NKJV)

23 Jesus said to him, “If[a] you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

So often we refer to people as having either “survived” or “ succumbed to” cancer. I am old enough to remember a time when a diagnosis of cancer was a death sentence. The accepted belief then was that if you had cancer then you would die soon and painfully. I saw that happen with my grandfather and a cousin in the late 60s then with Mum in the early 1990s. I am blessed that by the time I received the diagnosis of cancer I had a new understanding of and relationship with the Almighty God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

God, in His infinite love and mercy, called me to His side again and gave me the grace to grow to know and love Him more deeply. He taught me to keep my eyes on Him especially when the winds howled and the waves crashed. That’s really hard and I had many hard and painful “tutorials” where the struggles to hold on to the truths in the Word of God were like knife fights in a dark alley. I knew that if I allowed myself to let go of His Hand I would be swamped by unrelenting attacks undermining my faith. Just as Heaven and Hell are real, so too is our daily struggle against the spirit of unbelief. 

He taught me the meaning of being a “worshipper in Spirit and in Truth”. It took me years and He gently and patiently led me, put me with people who worshipped in Spirit from whom I learnt so much and with others who showed me how to love His Word. I read recently a comment which I paraphrase here. It went something like “You don’t know Jesus Christ if you don’t long to seek Him more everyday “.  Daily I ask for His mercy to help me love Him more. Daily, I am embarrassed to admit, I have to plead as did the father of the demon-possessed boy in Matt 9:23-24 “Lord I believe; help my unbelief”, acknowledging honestly that without God it is impossible for me to sustain my faith. He sustains my faith; He is my shield; He fights my battles.

By the grace of God I am not a just cancer survivor. I am a cancer conqueror because the battle does not belong to me but to the Lord (2 Chronicles 20:15)

I touched the face of God

High Flight by John Gillespie Magee Jr. 1941

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ing there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space
Put out my hand and touched the face of God

John Gillespie Magee Jr was a 19 year old fighter pilot. He wrote this and mailed it to his father in the United States. Three months later, on 11 December 1941, he was killed in a mid-air collision over England. This is one of aviation’s most famous and probably most quoted poems.

Mum passed away in September 1994 and my brother Colin (who lives and breathes aviation) chose the words to be inscribed on her memorial. It reads
“I have slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of God”

I loved those words. I knew they were from a poem but I hadn’t read the whole poem and didn’t know the background of the poet or the circumstances under which he wrote it. At that time, having watched Mum physically waste away and shrink with the pain that was her daily companion from the surgery in March 1994 to the day of her passing I rejoiced tearfully that she had finally slipped the surly bonds of earth believing that she had surely touched the face of God.

Today as I read the whole poem it seems to me that it applies to Mum in her life as much as it reflected the freedom , the exhilaration, the pure, unadulterated and beautiful immensity of the skies experienced by the young pilot who felt that he could touch the face of God.

Mum wasn’t a pilot. She was quiet, shy to the point of being described as retiring, very private and slow to warm up to new people. She was generous and had a wicked sense of humour which she shared with Dad and Colin and me. She could giggle like a schoolgirl until the cancer robbed her of that. Yet I’ve known, without actually thinking about it, that Mum had a hidden facet. She loved reading, was ever ready to travel and had a deep, deep appreciation of the wonders of creation. Little wonder that her favourite countries were Switzerland with majestic Alps and Hawaii with swaying palms and clear waters.

Mum was a reader. She didn’t have many books but there was always one near her pillow. She subscribed to Reader’s Digest and the (UK) Women’s Weekly. She had issues dating back to the 1950s. She probably re-read them repeatedly and let her imagination take her where the constraints of  finance and culture would not. A free spirit that within her whirled and swirled and soared so that when the time came she did not hesitate to put out her hand and touch the face of God.

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water is so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high.

If I had a day that I could give you

I'd give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water is so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you

I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my Shoulders John Denver
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Gh6dn7hzQ&sns=em

Another haunting melody, wistful, beautiful, surreal. This song will resurface in future posts because nearly every line holds a memory, a thought, a link to someone special.

I said in one of the earlier posts that I decided to deliberately think about death every morning. The aim is not to not fight or prevent death from ever happening to me. The Leveller comes to all. The aim is to savour every precious moment God gives, not to squander them in anger or affront, or crush them under the weight of fear or bitterness. I decided to make every moment a Kodak Moment.

Every Kodak Moment is sunshine in my life. Photos of our family are like sunshine in the tropics - in my eyes making me cry. Usually I cry because I am so thankful to the Father in Heaven for the gifts of husband  and children; sometimes because I wish I had taken things slowly and appreciated those times more. Our grand-daughter is like sunshine on our shoulders. She makes us happy by just being. And all that she says, does and observes are icing on the cake. We’re so looking forward to God’s gifts of children to all our children so that they may also experience this special sunshine in their lives.

Worry? We had a lot in our time and situations occur in every life that tempt one to worry. I prefer to refer to these as issues not problems or challenges because for me an issue can be settled without the intimidation that problems or challenges bring. Just semantics you say? No. Just calling it as it is. My God is in control and calling something an issue reminds me and those around me that while we have to apply our minds and effort to the settling of the issue, there’s no need to worry because God has it worked out. He is my Light- always makes me high.

For today and  every day

“If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while“