I can see clearly now the rain is gone Part 2

Continued from part 1

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Songwriters: Johnny Nash

I Can See Clearly Now lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

https://youtu.be/FscIgtDJFXg

“Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind”. Doubt, fear and worry, stirred by intimidation into dark billowing clouds, blind us to the light of God’s power and mercy and steadfast love for us. I learnt that I needed to just stop and wait quietly. The dust settles, the haze dissipates before the breath of the Spirit, the rain stops. Then first you see the rainbow. Hope revives and when the rain stops, as it surely will, you know it’s gonna be a bright , bright sunshiny day.

For all who face the unknown I pray peace until the clouds go. 

I can see clearly now the rain has gone Part 1

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sunshiny day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies.........

Songwriters: Johnny Nash

https://youtu.be/FscIgtDJFXg

Just after the diagnosis, when only my husband, children and brother knew, I went through an “Even If” period (yes it was a period, it wasn’t just a moment). I confess it wasn’t a brave declaration. It was more a trembling whimper... even if it is not part of Your plan to heal me please don’t let me embarrass You!! Am I brave? Nope! I’m as much of a wimp as the next person. Did I worry about pain, disfigurement, nausea and losing my hair ? Oh yes... especially the losing the hair bit. I needed His grace to take several deep breaths. Then I could see clearly. I’ve shared with many people that the devil works in the noise and confusion of doubts and fears but if we would only slow down, even stop and wait for the wind and dust and noise to stop swirling around us we would hear His voice. Really.

What obstacles did I have to face? The cancer ? Oh ya, major obstacle that. Side effects? Yes but the greatest obstacle to peace of mind and solid faith was fear of the unknown. It was a new path that I had to walk myself. Family and friends cheered me on from the starting point but I, like Bilbo Baggins, had to walk by myself there and back again. It amused me to think of myself facing down trolls, spiders (eeee), orcs, wargs even Smaug but there were times when God sent eagles to lift me away from the danger of losing hope. Prayers and steadfast loving support from family and a few faithful friends who walked with me and stayed within hailing distance ( read : daily WhatsApp encouragement) were my eagles. 

Continued in next post

Cancer Conqueror not just survivor

Mark 9:23-24New King James Version (NKJV)

23 Jesus said to him, “If[a] you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

So often we refer to people as having either “survived” or “ succumbed to” cancer. I am old enough to remember a time when a diagnosis of cancer was a death sentence. The accepted belief then was that if you had cancer then you would die soon and painfully. I saw that happen with my grandfather and a cousin in the late 60s then with Mum in the early 1990s. I am blessed that by the time I received the diagnosis of cancer I had a new understanding of and relationship with the Almighty God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

God, in His infinite love and mercy, called me to His side again and gave me the grace to grow to know and love Him more deeply. He taught me to keep my eyes on Him especially when the winds howled and the waves crashed. That’s really hard and I had many hard and painful “tutorials” where the struggles to hold on to the truths in the Word of God were like knife fights in a dark alley. I knew that if I allowed myself to let go of His Hand I would be swamped by unrelenting attacks undermining my faith. Just as Heaven and Hell are real, so too is our daily struggle against the spirit of unbelief. 

He taught me the meaning of being a “worshipper in Spirit and in Truth”. It took me years and He gently and patiently led me, put me with people who worshipped in Spirit from whom I learnt so much and with others who showed me how to love His Word. I read recently a comment which I paraphrase here. It went something like “You don’t know Jesus Christ if you don’t long to seek Him more everyday “.  Daily I ask for His mercy to help me love Him more. Daily, I am embarrassed to admit, I have to plead as did the father of the demon-possessed boy in Matt 9:23-24 “Lord I believe; help my unbelief”, acknowledging honestly that without God it is impossible for me to sustain my faith. He sustains my faith; He is my shield; He fights my battles.

By the grace of God I am not a just cancer survivor. I am a cancer conqueror because the battle does not belong to me but to the Lord (2 Chronicles 20:15)

I touched the face of God

High Flight by John Gillespie Magee Jr. 1941

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ing there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space
Put out my hand and touched the face of God

John Gillespie Magee Jr was a 19 year old fighter pilot. He wrote this and mailed it to his father in the United States. Three months later, on 11 December 1941, he was killed in a mid-air collision over England. This is one of aviation’s most famous and probably most quoted poems.

Mum passed away in September 1994 and my brother Colin (who lives and breathes aviation) chose the words to be inscribed on her memorial. It reads
“I have slipped the surly bonds of earth and touched the face of God”

I loved those words. I knew they were from a poem but I hadn’t read the whole poem and didn’t know the background of the poet or the circumstances under which he wrote it. At that time, having watched Mum physically waste away and shrink with the pain that was her daily companion from the surgery in March 1994 to the day of her passing I rejoiced tearfully that she had finally slipped the surly bonds of earth believing that she had surely touched the face of God.

Today as I read the whole poem it seems to me that it applies to Mum in her life as much as it reflected the freedom , the exhilaration, the pure, unadulterated and beautiful immensity of the skies experienced by the young pilot who felt that he could touch the face of God.

Mum wasn’t a pilot. She was quiet, shy to the point of being described as retiring, very private and slow to warm up to new people. She was generous and had a wicked sense of humour which she shared with Dad and Colin and me. She could giggle like a schoolgirl until the cancer robbed her of that. Yet I’ve known, without actually thinking about it, that Mum had a hidden facet. She loved reading, was ever ready to travel and had a deep, deep appreciation of the wonders of creation. Little wonder that her favourite countries were Switzerland with majestic Alps and Hawaii with swaying palms and clear waters.

Mum was a reader. She didn’t have many books but there was always one near her pillow. She subscribed to Reader’s Digest and the (UK) Women’s Weekly. She had issues dating back to the 1950s. She probably re-read them repeatedly and let her imagination take her where the constraints of  finance and culture would not. A free spirit that within her whirled and swirled and soared so that when the time came she did not hesitate to put out her hand and touch the face of God.

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

"Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water is so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high.

If I had a day that I could give you

I'd give to you a day just like today

If I had a song that I could sing for you

I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry

Sunshine on the water is so lovely

Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you

I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile

If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my Shoulders John Denver
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9Gh6dn7hzQ&sns=em

Another haunting melody, wistful, beautiful, surreal. This song will resurface in future posts because nearly every line holds a memory, a thought, a link to someone special.

I said in one of the earlier posts that I decided to deliberately think about death every morning. The aim is not to not fight or prevent death from ever happening to me. The Leveller comes to all. The aim is to savour every precious moment God gives, not to squander them in anger or affront, or crush them under the weight of fear or bitterness. I decided to make every moment a Kodak Moment.

Every Kodak Moment is sunshine in my life. Photos of our family are like sunshine in the tropics - in my eyes making me cry. Usually I cry because I am so thankful to the Father in Heaven for the gifts of husband  and children; sometimes because I wish I had taken things slowly and appreciated those times more. Our grand-daughter is like sunshine on our shoulders. She makes us happy by just being. And all that she says, does and observes are icing on the cake. We’re so looking forward to God’s gifts of children to all our children so that they may also experience this special sunshine in their lives.

Worry? We had a lot in our time and situations occur in every life that tempt one to worry. I prefer to refer to these as issues not problems or challenges because for me an issue can be settled without the intimidation that problems or challenges bring. Just semantics you say? No. Just calling it as it is. My God is in control and calling something an issue reminds me and those around me that while we have to apply our minds and effort to the settling of the issue, there’s no need to worry because God has it worked out. He is my Light- always makes me high.

For today and  every day

“If I had a wish that I could wish for you

I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while“

Nature or Nurture?

Walk Tall by Val Doonican

“Walk Tall walk straight and look the world right in the eye 

That’s what my mama told me

When I was about knee high

She said ‘Son be a proud man and hold your head up high”

Walk Tall walk straight and look the world right in the eye “

Excellent advice from a Mother to her son but how much can parents influence their children?

Many have commented on my “ positive” attitude since they learnt that I had been diagnosed with cancer.  Some think it’s in my genes. Hmmm, well Dad wasn’t (ostensibly anyway) a worrier. If he did have concerns he kept them to himself. He was generally calm and we seldom saw him angry. “Extremely annoyed” was probably the extent of any ill-temper he might have felt. A frown and pursed lips for a moment and then the calm returned.

 His elder sister, my Aunty Carmen, had a very positive attitude to life and I learnt a lot from her even though we lived in different countries. I asked her once how she kept on an even keel, never appearing to lose her equanimity. She said, “If I can’t do anything about it, I just don’t let it bother me, see?”. Like Dad, she might have frowned for a moment and perhaps given a shake of the head and that was it.

My mum taught me to be stoic. Even as a child, I remember that when I encountered pain she’d say quietly “ say to Jesus ‘ all for Thee, O my Lord, O my Jesus, all for Thee’. He take your pain.” Well I’ve prayed that prayer every time I felt or even anticipated feeling pain. Mum was right😃God does take away the pain. 

My husband says I have a high pain threshold. I’ve written in earlier posts that I felt no pain at all through and after surgery and through chemotherapy  and radiation. I think God has given me the gift of joy that is my strength. My genes play a part but Mum’s advice to her little girl still works as my Healer hears and answers prayers

So, nature or nurture? What do you think?

Walk Tall by Val Doonican (1964)

https://youtu.be/2_t-GC3HJSA

He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother

“He ain’t heavy, he’s my Brother”

On June 21 2017 I was told matter-of-factly by my doctor that I had breast cancer and she advised surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and hormone therapy. I’ve described elsewhere how I came to the decision to go with the “ happy meal” combo of chemotherapy , radiation and hormone therapy after prayer and talking with my husband Richard, children, Colin and two good friends.

Colin ( my only brother) suggested I start a blog to record my journey through cancer. I started after diagnosis but stopped in October 2017 because I changed to manual recording. I found it easier to write into a book than type even into my phone. 

On November 22 2017 Colin was told that he had stage 4 Lung Cancer. This diagnosis was accompanied with the downright frightening news that there was no treatment open to him.

Shortly after that he was told that the initial diagnosis was inaccurate and, praise the Lord, chemotherapy was an option. God truly is in control.

This blog post is about how I watched my brother face the totally unexpected diagnosis that would have crushed a lesser being. Shocked yes but he is one who would not go quietly into the night.  He went through his chemotherapy and, at the end of it, went on a looooong cruise with Geraldine, his wife of 30 years. After that he began a course of immunotherapy. Now, praise the Lord, he’s training for a Triathalon in November this year! Has the cancer gone? Not totally. But that’s not the point. The point is Colin does not allow cancer to rule his mind and, through fear, alter his perspective of and attitude towards life. Colin is LIVING his life on his terms and I totally admire him for that.

God allowed us a fabulously wonderful 10 days in June this year when our whole family from Singapore visited him in Melbourne.

Colin gave me wholehearted, daily support from the time the doctors told me I had cancer. And he has mine. I’m so proud of my lil brother. I have faith in our God that we’ll both be clear of cancer in His time.

This song has been one of my favourites since I was 14 years old. The words have a far deeper meaning now and I know Colin feels the same. We are both blessed with loving spouses and children but just as there are jokes that only the two of us laugh at that no-one else understands, this is something that only a brother and sister facing their own giants can share. 

He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother - The Hollies

https://youtu.be/oT57tjz9py8