Today Is my moment and now is my story

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
'Ere I forget all the joys that are mine- Today

I'll be a dandy and I'll be a rover
You'll know who I am by the songs that I sing
I'll feast at your table
I'll sleep in your clover
Who cares what tomorrow shall bring

Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
'Ere I forget all the joy that is mine -Today

I can't be contented with yesterday's glory
I can't live on promises from winter to spring
Today is my moment and now is my story
I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll sing

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
'Ere I forget all the joy that is mine -Today

Today-John Denver https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBGjZAYcJqc&sns=em

We were 13 year old cadets of the National Cadet Corps in our school the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus in (at that time) Victoria Street. Our platoon had left the training grounds to go back to camp and only 4 of us remained behind to do a final check before leaving. An army driver returned for us in what was probably an Austin Countryman. We piled into the back with our backpacks ( called knapsacks then) and a guitar. I remember the 4 of us, Julie Sim, Janice Pais, Josephine Seow and me, singing this song quietly in harmony during the short ride to the camp-site. I remember the driver turning around in surprise. He said ." Oh you all singing-ah (sic) I thought from radio. Wah very nice"
That was such a nice compliment.

Today I sit waiting to be called in for Round 3 of the chemotherapy. I am grateful for the last five days when I felt and functioned at pre-chemo levels particularly of energy, appetite and taste. In fact, over the last 3 weeks, I lost only 200 gm! God has been merciful to me and I ask His blessing on family and friends who have continually touched base with me to encourage and pray for me.
There have been ups and downs particularly in the last 30 years. Sometimes it seemed that each "down" was deeper, darker and longer than the previous. Yet the "ups" were definitely higher, brighter and more promising than the last. I can cite the weddings, graduations, birth of the first grand-child as high points but little things every day were also high points.

Today is my moment. I am alive and well. I am well. I need to go through this process. I can walk through it purposefully, I can drag my feet resentfully, I can stagger under the weight of fear, I can march in defiance. I choose to dance and laugh and cry and sing. Because TODAY is my moment

Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink

"Water water everywhere 
And all the boards did shrink
Water, water everywhere 
And not a drop to drink"

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner- Samuel Taylor Coleridge 1798

These are but four lines of one of the longest poems written. Spoken by the protagonist, it encapsulates the despair of sailors drifting on the ocean surrounded by water yet without any water to drink.

These words came to mind several times in the last six weeks. I have always gulped rather than sipped water. I could drink 500 ml of water without a pause if I was really thirsty. I learned to appreciate cool water when as a teenager I trained as a race walker with my father and, in those "olden" days, the prevailing wisdom was that one didn't drink while training in order to avoid "stitches" in one's side. My father also discouraged drinking water until half an hour after training ended. So you can imagine the eagerness with which I drank water once the time limit was reached. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be shipwrecked or in a desert without water.

On the first day of the chemotherapy I did not ration my water intake, as a result of which I threw up all the anti-nausea medication I had been given.  That was unfortunate as I had to endure discomfort until the next time the medication was due. I began to ration my fluid intake and took my supplements and medications one tablet/capsule at a time ( instead of 5-7 in a mouthful). In the second round of chemo I was given a week's supply of antibiotics ( 3 capsules every 6 hours) this was the most difficult course of medication I have ever had to take. When I tried swallowing all 3 at a go they seemed to get stuck just south of my collarbone and the pain was physical pain. It was as if the 3 capsules and the water that was carrying them down met a huge burp on its way up and neither would give way. I had to rub my chest in a totally vain attempt to ease the discomfort... That just gave me something to do as the pain remained for at least 15 minutes.  Eventually I took one capsule every 15 minutes with just enough water to send it on its way. Surrounded by water yet having to take only a sip at a time- how sad, how maddening, how frightening.

Imagine the delight, the relief, the glee when I discovered this morning that I could down a whole mug full of cool water at one go. I imagined and actually savoured the physical sensation of the cool water tumbling , rushing, leaping like rapids through a gorge down to the very middle of me. I downed a second mugful just to celebrate. I repeated this TwoMug dosage every hour for no other reason than " Because I Can".

Like my tastebuds ( oh yes, they've all returned from their holiday and chicken tastes like chicken and water no longer like metallic water) that I now consciously appreciate, I add " drinking water without imposed limits" to a growing list of things that I will no longer take for granted.

Tomorrow I go for the blood test that needs to be done before I see Dr Beh, the medical oncologist, who will decide if Round 3 of the chemo is a go on Thursday 5 Oct 2017

I'll just go drink more water - it's worth waking up in the middle of the night for a pit stop😇

I must have done something good

" nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something,
Something good"

Something Good - Julie Andrews, The Sound of Music 1965

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d9AH_mXvCQ&sns=em

A beautiful song. Sister Maria thought that the reward of being loved was because of a moment of truth in her past. She was right that nothing comes from nothing. All that is good comes from God.

Especially since June 2017 when the doctors confirmed the presence of cancerous cells in my body I have woken up every morning even more thankful for the blessings of life and family.

Today as my three year old grand-daughter lay fast asleep next to me I savoured my private Kodak moment. I remembered the same so-special feeling lying next to all my 6 children in their first 3 years. For a number of years ( nearly 6 years) there was usually one asleep on either side of me (usually the younger ones as the elder ones "graduated" away from mummy). That meant that on some level of consciousness I was aware of them so slept as motionlessly as was possible enjoying the sensation of little warm bodies snugly asleep next to me.

Nothing describes accurately the sense of peace and thankfulness and wonder I have now, for who am I to be blessed to be mother/grandmother? Was it because I did "something good" in my youth? Nope. Not at all. This privilege, and that's exactly what it is, a privilege, is because of God's mercy. I did nothing to deserve this and it is this realisation that not just humbles me but prompts me to be conciously thankful. I suspect that all my life I have been vaguely aware that I ought to be thankful and not grumble etc . I wish I had been more intentional about it.

Cancer has done me the greatest favour. It has stopped me in my tracks so that I deliberately count my blessings. My husband has occasionally in the past been impatient with what he considered to be my tendency to unrealistically look always on the bright side. I understand now that that is a gift from God. He has given me a gift to be upbeat, positive and yes, happy even if that is sometimes buried under my impatience or exasperation.

In an earlier post I wondered if I should be concerned that I was not concerned. I realise now it is not that I was not concerned but that I had no cause to be concerned. You see, if I believe God is in control then being concerned is futile. I channelled my energies intentionally to enjoying every moment He chose to give me.

Regrets? Yes as the song goes " I had a few" . Mainly the fact I let the children's growing up years flash by without savouring moments because  I was too " busy" with work and business and housework and ministry. Took me a while to understand that we are supposed to be human BEINGS not human DOINGS.

Lesson learnt. He has blessed me out of His infinite mercy not because I did anything good but because He is good. All He wants me to do is enjoy that blessing. And I will. I am happy😀all glory to God.

Psalm 121:8 The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
                     From this time forth and even forevermore

Simple in Virtue, Strong in Duty Bound

Forward CHIJ

" Forward CHIJ forge a future bright
Advancing our aims with zeal and might
Guide us in our studies oh Lord we pray
Wisdom, courage and charity
Strengthen in us each day

Solidly united in our motto sound
Simple in virtue
Strong in duty bound

Loyal to our own isle we will ever be
Defending and serving our country

Noble in ambition, thought, word and deed

Rally round CHIJ,
We will strive to succeed"

School Song Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus Singapore

Once again I was surprised and humbled as my former schoolmates rallied around with prayers and words of encouragement . Some who had themselves walked this road opened up and shared their experience and feelings. Many offered a listening ear should I need to yell and others sent hugs and love through Facebook, texts, email, WhatsApp and calls. It didn't matter to them that we hadn't met or even spoken for decades. All offered the most precious gift - prayers and I am privileged to have firsthand experience of answered prayers as thus far on my journey the side effects have been minimal.

Nothing fancy from any of them. Just genuine love and care- simple in virtue - arms linked around me, in Singapore and from around the world, in a circle of prayer and encouragement. Fr. Barre ( and Sr Lizzie) would have been so proud of them.

Update: Sheila Forde asked for the music for the song and the President of the CHIJ Old Girls' Association, Dr Claire Ang very kindly replied to my query even though she's out of town and will be back in a week or so. She will pass the music score and I will post it. God bless all😃1st Oct 2017

He's got the whole world in His Hands

"He's got the whole World in His Hands
He's got the whole World in His Hands
He's got the whole World in His Hands
He's got the whole World in His Hands"

He's got the whole world in His Hands - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXtFqCw6rH8&sns=em

A gospel song sung at campfires when we were in school, this echoed in my mind the morning of 16 August 2017 when I was scheduled to have the first chemo dose. I woke to find that from the night before so many friends and family had sent prayers , love and encouragement. The messages came from Australia, UK, The Netherlands, USA, Germany, Batam and of course right here in Singapore . I am humbled to see how these people, many of whom are schoolmates whom I hadn't seen in 40 years or more took the time not just to think of me and pray for me but to text or WhatsApp their encouragement.

Apart from my own family God rallied people from literally around the world to encircle me with love and prayers. Truly we serve a mighty loving sovereign God.

**as it turned out the chemo was postponed to 24 Aug 2017 because I had the flu on 16 Aug. The same thing happened then and on 14 Sept 2017 the day of the 2nd instalment of chemo. The Lord formed a wall around me and I am safe within.

You can turn the world on with a smile

"You can turn the world on with a smile
You can take a nothing day, suddenly make it all seem worthwhile
Well it's you girl and you should know
With each step and every little movement you show it
Love is all around
Why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all"

Theme Song of The Mary Tyler Moore Show https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zfti7b31rs&sns=em

This song has surfaced in my life over and over again. As I left school in 1975 one of teachers wrote in my autograph book ( who remembers how popular those were?)

"Keep that smile Gerry, it has warmed more hearts than you'll ever know". I didn't really understand what she meant at that time and I have given my share of "death stares" over the last 40 years.

But I realise that it's my smile that people remember and comment (kindly) on. My husband rolls his eyes when I deliberately set out to smile a serious cashier or cleaning lady into responding. In the old Bestway Building it took nearly 3 years to coax a smile out of a cashier 😉. 

With a constant metallic taste throughout the first 10 days of Chemo Round 2 I find myself making an effort not to grimace. Smiling is a decision when your tastebuds are on sabbatical.

There have been "nothing" days before when I decided that no-one was going smile me into a good mood. I'd just have to turn my smile up a couple of notches and light up my own day. And if no-one wants to smile back at me s'right... I'll turn my own world on with a smile. 

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B

This is the text I sent to people who asked how I was. Feet tapping to the song in this post's title 

I feel so good that I have to remind myself there's possibly an " enemy within"

I was informed on 21st June 2017 that the biopsy done on some lumps on the right breast showed they were malignant. Praise the Lord left breast clear so on 28th June had simple mastectomy on right side only. ( I didn't want to cancel the Penang trip planned by Ian for 22 june 😁) Also praise the Lord no nausea n no lightheadedness. No pain at all praise the Lord for His mercy.  During the operation they found 4 lymph nodes affected by the cancer so they removed all 22 lymph nodes on the right as a precaution sent me for several scans. Praise the Lord scans show bones, kidneys, liver and stomach clear. There is a shadow in one lung so that scan's been referred to a lung specialist. Seems it's still too small n translucent to do a biopsy now. They hv scheduled another scan in Dec 2017 to determine if we should be concerned😝

I feel great- feel like dancing ... really.. not being frivolous or flippant ... it's a strange thing to say but I feel like Jesus is showing me through this cancer that He is IN love with me. That's different from Him loving me. There's a new excitement, a new wide-eyed look at everyone n everything around me, a super wide silly grin on my face. I really do feel like dancing- but richard only allows me to dance indoors hahaha It's a strange feeling which i cant accurately describe. I didn't expect it and I dont know how long it'll last but I hope it stays forever.  Granted, I would attract the wrong kind of attention if i boogeyed to the busstop hahaha God is good .. it's not a side effect of painkillers because I didn't take any- no pain at all praise the Lord for His mercy n love

I had a final discussion with Richard and family prayer before making a decision on what course of treatment to take. I decided to go with the "happy meal" -chemo, radiation n hormone therapy. Concurrently I changed my food intake and am feeling really good. Plan to focus on nutrition so can have the benefit of chemo while minimising adverse effects. I requested the first chemo after 15 aug. So can celebrate bday without using a mask haha( and with all my hair 👩🏽) alamak they scheduled 16 aug!! But 1st chemo eventually was on 24 aug because I had flu on 16 aug 2017.

I have peace that this is God's will although initially i was planning only to do the radiation n hormone therapy. No-one can tell what side effects i will have because everyone is different but whatever they will be, our God is in control. I will get through it with His grace, your support through prayer especially that, no matter what happens, I will not "waste" my cancer. I will use it to give glory to God and to show all what a mighty loving sovereign God we serve.   

Still feel like dancing💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻 even though I might have to wear a mask when i do that  😷 lol No matter what comes I know our God is sovereign and He is in control. I know my idea of healing and His idea of healing may not be the same but who cares? He promised that all things would work to the good of those who love Him n who are called to His purpose

On Thursday 14 Sept 2017 i had Round 2 and found that I'd only lost 1 kg in the interim. I actually thought I'd gained weight because I binged on nasi Lemak for 4-5 days at the start of the first cycle😜  God is amazing - O the joy He has put in me! That truly is my strength. Side effects minimal. (Round 2 Day 9 no nausea at all praise the Lord. Just a constant metallic taste in my mouth.)💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻.    💃🏻💃🏻(vacancies still available if anyone wants to dance with me)

Thanking you all ( presumptuously ) for your prayers for me 

God bless and protect you All and your families