I get better looking each day - so there!!!!

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better loking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.
Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble - Mac Davis

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a cowboy outlaw tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd.
Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I guess it has something to do with the way that I
fill out my skin tight blue jeans.

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.
We're doing the best that we can

https://youtu.be/UHEfSzUbh3s

I tweaked the words to “ I must be a hell of a gal” and felt that this song was tailor-made for me. Sang it to myself every time I had put my foot in my mouth or done something else silly. But it took on a different role after my diagnosis of cancer.

As a Christian I’ve heard numerous sermons and read innumerable articles encouraging Christians to find their identity in Christ. I agree with that but this song, totally egotistical, described EXACTLY what I needed after the mastectomy and during chemotherapy when I lost hair by the handful, felt lethargic, fought nausea and valiantly applied cream on skin that looked drier by the day.

I was defiant and singing this gave me a good laugh when I needed it, especially 

“ I can't wait to look in the mirror cause I get better looking each day”

And When I Die

AND WHEN I DIE by Blood Sweat and Tears

And when I die 
and when I'm dead, dead and gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

I'm not scared of dying 
and I don't really care
If it's peace you find in dying, 
well, then let the time be near

If it's peace you find in dying, 
when dying time is here, 
Just bundle up my coffin cause 
it's cold way down there, 

I hear that's it's cold way down there,
yeah, crazy cold way down there
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and 
a world to carry on, to carry on

My troubles are many, they're as deep as a well
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell
Swear there ain't no heaven and pray there ain't no hell, 
But I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell, 
Only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on

Give me my freedom for as long as I be
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me 
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me, 
And all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally
Don't want to go by the devil, don't want to go by the demon, 
Don't want to go by Satan, don't want to die uneasy,
Just let me go naturally
And when I die and when I'm gone, 
There'll be one child born, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born
When I die, there'll be one child born

Songwriters: Laura Nyro

And When I Die lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

https://youtu.be/8gxwutvlTw8

A fatalistic approach perhaps by one who apparently neither knows God nor believes that heaven exists. Not fearful or angry but very matter of fact with a trace of bravado. It helps remind me that I am not the centre of the universe. Life for my family and a few close friends is great while I am here but life for them all will go on just as blessed or, even more blessed I pray, when I am not. 

Mum said to us about two weeks before she passed away that she did not want us to wear black, white, grey or other dull sad colours at her funeral. She especially wanted the grand-children to be in regular colours. We heeded her requests and succeeded in offending the older relatives who thought we were so disrespectful as Asian custom dictated that immediate family must be in black or white only. By the day of her funeral they had accepted that those were mum’s wishes and most of the relatives were cautiously co-operative. The grand-children were like colourful flowers around her casket and I think she would have been glad of that.

Like Mum I too want people to be in colourful clothes. I want them to celebrate what God did in my life and to give me a rousing send off to a better place. There will be tears but there must be no regret. If any think they have wronged me, please know that I have chosen to freely forgive. If I have wronged any or if any think I have wronged them I humbly ask forgiveness. Life is too short to hold grudges or to pridefully maintain one’s position. I am sure I have stepped on toes without even realising it and for those squashed toes I am truly sorry.

When my Uncle Cheng passed away, his son Winston made a video. I cried as I watched it because it reminded us of the beauty in Uncle’s everyday actions. Particularly poignant was the last scene of Uncle riding off, around the corner and out of sight. How many times I had watched him ride out of sight as I had watched my own father ride out of sight on his motorcycle and how painful to think I would see neither again while on earth.

I learnt when Mum returned to the Father that the first year is the most difficult. Every day was the first day without Mum. That first Christmas without her smile, her delight in watching her grand-children open presents, was soooooo hard. The first of her birthdays to pass without her in January and the first of my birthdays without her hug made me feel that I would not get over the grief. But that’s not what Mum would have wanted. No, mum was practical and, under her retiring nature, cheerful ( even if sometimes she was pre-occupied with little things). Her faith was quiet but strong.

A little story to show how we know that heaven is real. 

At the time of her illness our fifth child, David, had been suffering from severe eczema for over 20 months.  Every morning his bedclothes would be bloody as he scratched at night despite the bandages we wrapped around his arms and legs. It pained Mum greatly to watch him suffer and daily she would call to ask how he was. She offered masses for his healing and made novenas. We had to cook special meals for David because an allergy test showed that he was allergic to so many things, rice, milk, eggs, fish, prawns, shellfish, beef, pork even chicken. We cooked lamb and pasta for him and jelly for treats as he could not have ice cream.

Three nights before she passed away she asked for a 20 cent coin. Puzzled, I gave it to her. Then she asked for David to come to see her as she lay on the bed. I called 3 year old David in to Mum’s bedside. She was weak but still reached out and pressed the coin into his hand. She said, “ David, Nanny’s giving you 20 cents. You promise me that you will be a good boy and not scratch?” David promised and scampered away in delight, clutching the coin. I tried to dismiss the tears in my eyes by saying flippantly, “ Mum , when you get up into heaven, please put a word in for David with our Father.” With her eyes shut in weariness she whispered, “I will”.

Mum passed away early in the morning on 8th September 1994. In the chaos of arrangements for the wake and funeral I panicked because there was no time to cook David’s special meal. My husband, Richard, said that we’ll just let him eat with the others that day and put more cream on him.

You know something? I NEVER had to cook a special meal for David ever again. That day he ate what the others ate. That very day the sores on his arm, legs even forehead dried and scabbed. At her funeral, three days later, all the open sores had healed. The bedclothes were never bloody again and David fully recovered. The whole family was assured that Mum was in heaven and yes, she’d kept her promise and put in a word for David into the ear of the Father.

About two years later Colin and Geraldine were gifted with little Nicole. One child born to carry on Mum’s love for the written word. 

Time in a Bottle

Time in a Bottle

Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
'Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

Songwriters: Jim Croce

Time in a Bottle lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management

https://youtu.be/AnWWj6xOleY

Yesterday I wrote about my initial reaction to the part of the movie “In Time” which envisaged a world where time is a commodity. The rich could hoard time and basically live forever while the poor had no hope of living beyond their allotted time. Everyone had a digital clock on their arms so they knew exactly when they would die.

That is a bit depressing but I was blessed that God changed my perspective. In the afternoon my grand daughter and I were lying in bed and reading before her nap. We giggled and made silly observations ( it was The Sleep Book by Dr Seuss) and she finally fell asleep. I lay listening to her little baby snores and looked at her peaceful, fear-free face. If I could save time in a bottle I would certainly save that time.

I give thanks for that privilege. We don’t deserve it but He blessed us with a grand child. Not to be discontented but I’m asking for more grand children... lots more. Then our (Richard’s and mine) box just for wishes would be empty.

Number our days

In Time 

Waiting at SGH yesterday for my turn at the Department of Nuclear Medicine, I watched idly the tv that was screening a movie entitled “In Time”. What caught my eye was the fact that everyone had a digital clock embedded on their left forearms. When the “ clock” ran out the person died. 

What would we do if we all knew exactly how many weeks, days, hours, seconds we had left? In the movie,  time was a commodity that could be bought, sold, given, lent, borrowed and, of course, stolen. But what if we knew exactly when our time would run out? Would we

1 spend our time frantically trying to get more time just to stay alive?;

2 just exist in hopelessness merely waiting for the clock to run out and then what? Oblivion?

3 try to improve the quality of our own life without considering others? As in “live like there’s no tomorrow?

4 try to make a difference for the better in the lives of others?

I am constantly aware of the possibility of metastasis of the breast cancer. And I am grateful that my doctors choose to err on the side of caution. I had a head-to-toe bone scan today and the 6 minutes I spent watching “In Time” at the waiting room was a timely reminder that my daily prayer should be

“ Teach us to number our days so we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12

Everywhere

Here, There And Everywhere

The Beatles

To lead a better life
I need my love to be here

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there
There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking, but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere
And if she's beside me I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere
And if she's beside me I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there

I will be there
And everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

Here, There And Everywhere lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

https://youtu.be/0Whz1jIEBI0

What a lovely, haunting melody that I did not at first associate with the “noisy” Beatles. The lyrics are eternal, universal. On revisiting this song a few days ago I was struck by how this describes one’s love for God. By God I mean God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Because to love Him is to need Him everywhere. Because to love Him is to realise that truly He has set eternity in the heart of Man and that only He can still the restlessness in our hearts that we so often do not understand.

This is not about needing God as my Provider or even my Protector even though He is both and more. Through 2017 and 2018, everything that I had experienced, good and not good, up to that point, crystallised in the realisation that I needed God before I could even begin to be whom I was meant to be.

Does this sound high-faluting? Needing God everywhere was not wanting a genie to provide whatever I needed, to keep me safe from perils or even to heal me. Needing God everywhere was a realisation that I was incomplete without God. Oh yes, I had accepted that intellectually but my Epiphany moment was when my hair abandoned me. I said in an earlier post that it was when I saw my hair coming away in handfuls that I cried because I realised that I had no control over what was happening to me as a result of the chemotherapy. God showed me that it didn’t matter that I had had a mastectomy or that my hair was jumping ship. He gave me the grace to understand that in Him I was complete... no need for a head full of hair or any other part of my anatomy. I looked in the mirror thinking I would cringe at the sight of my bald head. Instead I saw my eyes. I saw life. I saw laughter in the wings waiting for its cue. I gave the cue and laughter sprang in making short work of vanity and self-pity. I watched my eyes and knew that God was and would always be there.

This song begins “To lead a better life I need my love to be here”. Well He is😉

Wonderful, wonderful world

What a Wonderful World

Louis Daniel Armstrong

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world

Songwriters: George Douglas / George David Weiss / Bob Thiele

What a Wonderful World lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Carlin America Inc

https://youtu.be/A3yCcXgbKrE

Yes it is. It IS a wonderful world. Last Saturday it was two years since the wedding of Joseph and Yuqin. What a lot has happened in 24 months.

The things that are easy to be thankful for :

1. Joseph’s and Yuqin’s wedding

2. Elliot’s and Hui’s wedding in March this year

3. Andrew’s and Christine’s wedding in July this year.

4. Ian introducing Qian En to the family

5. David introducing Samantha to the family 

6. Rocky and Maria being so blessed in their respective careers

7.  A wonderful family holiday in Melbourne in June this year visiting Colin, Geraldine, Sean and Nicole and meeting Monique and Sean O

8. Bonus meeting Steve and Michelle, Grant and Lisa and baby Ava in Melbourne at the same time.

9. The newlyweds all having their own homes.

10. Our finally moving in to our own BTO flat. I love the location, the layout and the Presence of God who is our Provider.

11. Gwyneth settling into school routine and getting used to being flower girl for her uncles.

12. Full recovery of the two crushed bones in my left hand.

The things that were a little harder to be thankful for:

1. My Aunty Carmen returning to the Father in heaven on 3 Aprilg 2017. Perth will not be the same without her cheerful laughter and her positive attitude towards life even at the times she said she felt 108 years old..

I am thankful for her children, my cousins, in whom I see so much of Aunty Carmen. I am thankful that we had a chance to see her in November 2016. I am thankful for the chance to celebrate her life with my cousins, Colin and Richard even though we could not attend her memorial service.

I am thankful for her legacy and the many things I learnt from her just by observing the way she lived her life and her perspective of difficulties and health challenges. I am thankful for the example she set for me in the way she was ready to try the sunchlorella back in June 1994. That inspired me to not be afraid to try something “ unknown” in the quest for recovery and full health.  I am thankful for her example of dogged persistence in doing simple exercises repeatedly till she overcame the vertigo that wrecked her holiday in Singapore years ago. She accepted there were no quick fixes and she prevailed. That example of patience and persistence helped me in 2017-2018 while I recovered from the crushed bones in my palm and then right through the mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation.

I am thankful for her love and attention through remembering birthdays and always being ready with little gifts. I couldn’t understand how she managed to remember all birthdays correctly especially as we only saw her about once a year

2. Our good friend and brother-in-Christ, Roy Tirtadji returning to the Lord on 4 March 2018:

 He, his wife and his mother-in-law were instrumental in bringing Richard and me back to the Lord albeit via the scenic route through a Pentecostal church where the Lord restored us and led us closer to Him.

I am thankful that Roy didn’t give up on us and kept inviting us to attend his church services and cell group meetings even arranging for someone to translate for us as we didn’t understand a word of Bahasa Indonesia.

I am thankful for the example he set as he faced cancer. Through numerous surgeries, procedures, medical protocols, countless hospital stays and inimitable consultations with specialists he remained thankful to God. His favourite song was “I am here” * especially the chorus which runs “ It’s only by Your grace that I can live today; forever I will praise Your Name”. Because I was going through chemotherapy I did not get to see him toward the end but his words stay in my heart, “ I give thanks, Gerie, no matter what.” *( I am Here by Welyar Kauntu)

3. Cancer - NO I am NOT thankful for cancer. I AM THANKFUL that my God who allowed the cancer also  promised that (1) all things work together for the good of those who love Him and (2) by His stripes we are healed.

(a)  I am thankful for my husband Richard for his love and constant care, our offspring and their spouses/ girlfriends and my brother Colin for their love and encouragement and grand daughter Gwyneth whose confident prediction that my hair would be back by her birthday was fulfilled. 

(b) I am thankful for Geraldine, Sean and Nicole, dear cousins and school friends who rallied around with prayers, good wishes and encouragement. Special mention to Natasha, Marie-Ann Mathot, Sheila Forde, William Forde for the way he faced his cancer yet sent prayers, Mimi Yeow for taking the time and trouble to meet for tea and share her view of chemotherapy, Kenny Nathan and Elizabeth Siew and Elsie Poon for their constant and regular checks on my progress and their encouragement, Chandra and Ida Wong, Bu Ping and Bu Hetty, Silvia Hwang for their unfailing prayers and attention. 

(c) I am thankful that God gave my daughter and sons spouses whose parents prayed for my recovery. Not only did I see the answers to those prayers but I received comfort and encouragement to know that my children have parents-in-law who are prayerful and caring.

(d) I am thankful for so many former schoolmates, church friends and friends of our offspring who sent prayers and well wishes along my journey.

(e) I am thankful for the staff at the National Cancer Centre , Singapore. Every single staff, no matter their job description, were cheerful and friendly, professional and beyond competent. They made the surgery, chemotherapy sessions, radiation sessions and every appointment easy to bear.

(f) I am thankful for lessons learnt enroute to recovery. I have learnt to appreciate 

      i.  my tastebuds which went on vacation when I went through chemotherapy;

      ii. energy. I did not realise how hard it was to have to concentrate on doing regular daily tasks which, prior to chemotherapy, I had done without thinking;

      iii. raw salads. I was totally forbidden from eating anything raw for fear of infection. How I savour every salad I now eat.

      iv. the ability to swallow even gulp water down instead of sipping gingerly for fear of throwing up.

       v. a full night’s sleep. After every chemo session I had “ owl eyes”. I learnt not to be frustrated at not being able to fall asleep immediately. I appreciated the blessing all the years of generally having deep sleep every night. I learnt to be still, to pray and praise and worship and literally just shut up and listen for and to the voice of God. I learnt to use that time to read and to write. And surprisingly I was not sleepy the following day.

       vii. feeling sleepy haha. It is such a delicious feeling to be tired and have the blessing of being able to go to bed in your own home and s l e e p!!! 

      vi. going swimming- another favourite activity that was forbidden. 

The point of this rambling is that I have re-learnt to appreciate the “bright blessed day, the dark sacred night” and every day, every moment now, “I think to myself, what a wonderful world”

Slippery Slopes

Proverbs 18:17 New King James Version (NKJV)

17 The first one to plead his cause seems right,
Until his neighbor comes and examines him.

Does the fact that I’m happy and grateful for what I have imply that I am too comfortable and therefore socially indifferent to those who are materially disadvantaged? Or those who face ( or imagine they face) prejudice or declare that they are deprived of basic human rights? Do others see slippery slopes in society to which I turn a blind eye? Has the Lord healed me completely of cancer because he wants me to stand up and be counted?

I watched with disbelief and sadness the testimonies of Dr (Prof) Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanagh and what the Senators and reporters and people on TV and social media said. I listened to people refer to Dr Ford as a survivor and passionately defend her right not just to be heard but to be believed. In a country which aspires to justice for all, I believe that everyone has a right to be heard. But do they have the right to be believed when they cannot specify ( much less prove) when the event took place, where it took place and when the people they name as eye witnesses all either do not remember the incident or say outright that they were not at the party at which the incident is alleged to have occurred ? I do not understand how a person can be described as a survivor of an incident when the incident is not proved and when there are so many crucial facts that are not proved even on a balance of probabilities. In this case the facts are not even specified. Yet many many people sound as if or actually say outright that Judge Kavanagh is not to be believed.

I find some people very very gracious and kind and bending over backwards to say that they believe Dr Ford had experienced a sexual assault but not with Judge Brett Kavanagh. 

I might have gone along with that if not for the fact that she, through her lawyers , wanted Judge Kavanagh to testify first. I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. How was the Judge to answer allegations that are not made? How was he to offer defence as to date, time and place if these were not specified?  What possible reason could Dr Ford have to demand that the person she accused should testify first unless she wanted to mould her accusations to destroy whatever Judge Kavanagh might have said in his defence. For me that was the first factor which convinced me she was lying. 

The second factor was that we are told she wanted to remain anonymous.  Any person who accuses another of a serious offence and expects to be believed when she does not have the courage or decency to be questioned should be subject to the strongest of cross-examination. There are many other discrepancies which are so obvious that the only possible reason that people do not see them is because they do not want to see them or they do see them but deliberately ignore, downplay or twist them to suit the “ victim/survivor” story. 

I do not know if Judge Kavanagh is telling the truth. He appears credible but Ps 18:17 applies to him too. I do think however that he should not even have been obliged to say a single word in his defence until and unless the accuser proved her case at least on a balance of probabilities. I do not think she would have been able to do that. There was so much sympathy for an alleged “survivor” who would have crumbled under cross examination.

I am sad for America. There is freedom of speech but I observed people freely speaking ill of a person just on the say-so of another person whose memory, witnesses, and circumstances would have not withstood scrutiny. I am concerned that this is the road that Singapore may take in the mistaken demand for more freedom without the corresponding more responsibility element.

We must never ape the West so much that we disregard respect and due process. Never take the first step down a slippery slope.